The Car Ride Home: How Parents Can Use This Time To Support Their Child's Soccer Development

For young soccer players, development doesn't stop when training ends or the final whistle blows.

In fact, what happens after training or a game can have a bigger impact on a player's relationship with the sport than parents might realize.

For many young players, the car ride home is the first opportunity they have to talk about what happened. They might be excited about a goal they scored, frustrated about a mistake they made, proud about trying something new, or disappointed about the result of the game.

And this is where parents have an incredible opportunity.

Not to coach.  

Not to break down every mistake.

Not to tell their child everything they saw from the sideline.

But simply to be curious, listen, and give their child room to process the experience for themselves.

Player’s emotions can be high after a game, and they are often also physically and mentally tired.  Using this time to try and tell them what they did wrong and how they can do it better next time will at best go in one ear and out the other; and at worst can elicit an emotional, defensive response from them.  This can sometimes result in distance and friction for the remainder of the drive, and next week your kid might be more hesitant to discuss the game at all.

The car ride home is essentially the final moments of a child’s game day experience.  The goal here is to end the day in a way that leaves the player excited to come back next week!

Before You Get in the Car, Think About the Outcome You Want

Emotions can sometimes be high after a game for the players, but this can also be true for the parents!  To avoid letting these emotions come out in a way that makes the car ride home a negative experience, one of the most important things that parents can do before they even leave the house that morning is to ask themselves:

“How do I want my kid to feel when they get out of the car after the game?  What type of note do I want their game day experience to end on?”

Most parents would probably say that they don’t want their kid to feel like they disappointed them, or like their child let themselves or their team down.  You probably also don’t want them to feel like they have to dwell on and pick apart every mistake.  

When this is how a child feels when they get out of the car at the end of their game, it is going to have a negative impact on their self-confidence.  Even though parents are well-intentioned, we want to ensure that the feedback after a game doesn’t land in a way that leaves your child feeling like their self-worth is tied up in results or their performance in a soccer game.  

Most parents probably want their child to feel supported, understood, encouraged, and excited to go to training next week to continue to improve.  You want them to know that you are on their team, and that you are there to support them no matter what happens during the game.  

This doesn't mean parents don’t or shouldn’t be invested in their child's development or performance. Quite the opposite, actually!

Supporting your child’s youth soccer development means understanding that development is a long-term process that is not linear.

There will be great games and tough games. There will be goals, assists, mistakes, tears, celebrations, moments of confidence, and moments of frustration.

Your child is going to experience all of those things.  Helping kids learn to navigate all of these different emotions and experiences is actually one of the main reasons we want our kids to play sports – to be exposed to these life experiences in a safe and controlled environment!

You Don't Have to Point Out Every Mistake

Actually, you don’t have to point out any mistakes.  

Parents often notice mistakes because they care. But players notice their mistakes, too.  If they don’t bring it up on the way home, it probably means that they don’t want to talk about it.  This can actually be a healthy mindset for players to have — to learn from their mistakes then move on, instead of dwelling on them.

Instead, try looking for the things they did well that day!  This is a great opportunity to recall some of the goals that your child has previously told you they want to focus on this season!  Did they make a great pass, a big tackle, or take a shot that earlier in the season they were afraid to take?

If you’re not sure what to look for during the game, a good tip is to focus on the things that are fully within your child’s control.  Things like: working hard, recovering quickly after a mistake, trying a new move or skill (even if it doesn’t come off!), or just communicating positively with their team.  

It can be something as simple as “Hey, I saw you high-fiving your teammates when they came off the field today! I love seeing you be such a great teammate!”

Those types of moments matter just as much in youth sports as the scoreline, how much playing time they got, or a goal they scored.  Moments that reflect, despite the outcome that day, that you are seeing the positive impact that playing sports is having on their character.  

And sometimes, those are the moments your child needs to hear about most.  

Ask Questions Instead of Telling Them What You Saw

One of the easiest ways to change the dynamic of the car ride home is to become curious.

Instead of telling your child what you saw from the sideline, ask them what they saw while they were on the field.  

You might be surprised by how different their perspective is!

This does three important things.

First, it allows your child to develop their own understanding of the game by giving them space to reflect.  Hearing their take on what they did well, but also what they want to continue to improve on, can provide you with crucial information that you can then use to help players build up their confidence throughout the season.  Knowing the things that your kid has told you they want to improve at this season gives you something positive to be on the lookout for while you are watching from the sidelines!

This is also a good opportunity for you to hear the things that your child’s coach is asking them to do during games.  It is so important that players are not receiving instruction from their parents that conflicts with the information that they’re getting from their coach!

Lastly, asking questions communicates two incredibly valuable things to your kid:

"I'm interested in what you think.", and “I believe that you should play soccer for you.”

Empowering kids with this information and autonomy matters.  Giving your child space to choose soccer, instead of feeling like they have to play, is motivating for them and encourages them to take ownership over their development.

Try asking:

"What was your favorite part of the game?"

or…

"What was something you tried today that you've been working on?"

These questions bring the focus back to the player’s experience.  If your child is upset after a game, these questions can also gently guide them away from negative thought loops, and towards acknowledging the positives from their day, too.  This balanced approach to self-reflection after a game will help players establish good habits that will help them become more confident down the road!  

Let Them Have Their Own Soccer Experience

One of the hardest things about watching your child play a sport is remembering that it's their experience.

As parents, it's easy to become emotionally invested.

You want them to make the right decision.

You want them to reach their potential.

You want them to succeed! 

You may even see things that they don't see yet; but young athletes need to be able to experience the sport for themselves.

Kids deserve to have a safe space to make mistakes, to struggle, and to figure out their own solutions.  

Mistakes are part of the learning process.  Development is not linear.  

Developing the mental skills necessary to be able to recover after a mistake, to play through a slump, or to work hard to improve after a setback is a critical step in long-term player development.  This piece of the process is something that kids will not get the chance to hone if they’re always worried about making a mistake.  

Instead, we want to praise them for persevering!  For facing challenges head on and for learning from their set-backs!  For continuing to put themselves out there!  

The reality is, heart break and tears are a part of sports.  Players are not going to win every game.  They might not get selected for every roster.  They will likely experience ups and downs around playing time, starting vs. coming off the bench, and getting to play their preferred position.  There’s going to be times where they are going to wonder whether they’re good enough. And this is a good thing!

The fact is, we love sports because of this undercertainty.  Because there is an emotional risk involved, a gamble that you take every time you play in a big game, take a penalty shot, or attend a tryout.  We love sports because of the underdog stories, the triumphs, the failures and hardships that players had to overcome in order to get where they are.  

We want our kids to learn how to navigate those ups and downs.  Those moments are part of being an athlete.  Those moments are part of being a human.

The Goal Isn't Just Better Soccer Players

At On the Ball Training PGH, we obviously care about helping young athletes become better soccer players.  But we also understand that the only way for players to reach their potential is to find their own reasons for playing.

We believe that player development isn't just about what happens during a 75-minute training session.  It's about creating an environment where young athletes want to continue learning.

A player who is excited to come to training is going to get more out of that session.

A player who feels comfortable making mistakes is more likely to try something new and develop their own unique style.

A player who understands that mistakes are part of learning is more likely to challenge themselves.

And a player who loves playing soccer is more likely to practice at home on their own, without being told that they have to.

The north star guiding our actions as coaches and as parents needs to be that, at the end of the day, we need to give kids space to fall in love with the game.  To allow them the opportunity to benefit from all of the things that soccer can give them, as an athlete and as a person.

That's why the car ride home matters.